Why I want my son to know his birth family

When I started writing this blog, I committed to not writing about anyone else’s story or experience with adoption but mine. I’ve never mentioned personal details about Miles’ birth family and don’t plan on it. But, now that Miles is two and a half and is becoming more aware of what family means, they’ve been on my mind a lot. I’m still not going to name names or show photos without their permission, but I think it’s okay to write in more general terms.

I’m fortunate to have stayed in contact with Miles’ birthmother since he was born. She’s a wonderful, strong woman who loves him so much. He’s on her mind all of the time, and I’ve cared about her immensely ever since I met her on the day he was born. She’s doing really well these days and I love getting updates from her and keeping her informed on what Miles is doing, what he likes, what his favorite things are, etc. Miles has a full sibling, an older brother, and it’s very important to me that I give him every opportunity to nurture that connection. His brother, who is three years older than him, asks about him often. I share photos of him with Miles and he and I talk about both of them frequently. I think he’s starting to understand in a limited way at this point. He said “brother” the other day when I showed him a photograph.

We haven’t visited yet (they live pretty far away) but I plan on making the trip sometime soon. I’m looking forward to the day when we get to meet his entire extended birth family. On Miles’ birthday last year, they threw a party for him at their local park. We didn’t know about it so we weren’t there, but they had a cake with his name on it and they released balloons for him. Later that day, his birthmother sent me a video of them singing Happy Birthday to him and I couldn’t stop crying. What an incredibly sweet thing to do. We’ve watched that video hundreds of times, and I know he will treasure it forever.

People often ask how I can feel secure in doing that or if I worry that he will want to go live with them one day. The truth is that I just want to do what is best for him and I truly believe that giving him the chance to know his birth family, and especially his biological mother and brother, will be one of the greatest things I could ever do for him. I cannot control what the future will bring. All I can control is my best effort at keeping that door open for him, wherever it shall lead.

Is it always going to be easy? Probably not. Will he say something heartbreaking to me one day about wanting to live with his “real” family? Maybe. But what I’ve come to learn on this journey is that there is no such thing as too much love for a child or too many people caring about a child, and that there is no such thing as possession of a child. He is not “mine,” nor does he “belong” to anyone else. I am simply blessed to have him in my life and to have been given the great honor and responsibility of being his mother. I may not be his only mother, but I am his only mommy and that’s enough for me.

It’s more than enough; it’s everything.





8 thoughts on “Why I want my son to know his birth family

  1. Thank you for sharing your family’s adoptive journey! I have been following your blog since the Adopting Charlie days, before you knew of sweet Miles. We are in the adoptive process and I pray that our child will be able to know their birth family in some way. Just like you, I think that is so important for a child, if possible, and helps them to fill in more pieces of their story. Please keep sharing your experiences. Your story gives me so much hope! 🙂

  2. kp

    Although I do not personally know you, I have read your entire blog – start to finish. It reminds me so much of our grandson’s journey to our family. I especially enjoyed this blog post today.

    Yes, Yes – our family also wants our grandson to know his biological family and extended family. This journey of adoption brings with it so many emotions!

    Your last paragraph referencing this child is not “mine” nor does he “belong” to anyone else really is accurate and very true! We are blessed to have them in our lives. Best wishes to your family!

    1. Thank you so much for your comment! Yes, adoption does bring with it many emotions–so many more than I ever expected. Such a blessing and a privilege to experience the multitude of layers. Best of luck to you and your family – it sounds like your grandson is in excellent hands. Much love!

    1. Thank you for your comment, Kristen. I really do believe that open adoption is a beautiful thing, and the greatest gift you could give your child. Wishing you the best of luck on your family’s journey!

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