Category: Our Adoption Story

Future adoptive parents: How can I best help you?

On By alliegardnerIn Our Adoption Story5 Comments

I’ve been receiving emails from potential adoptive parents (which I absolutely love) asking different questions about the adoption process or our agency or my thoughts on different things. I’d like to compile answers so I have somewhere to point people when they ask, but I’d love to hear exactly what you’d like to know so I don’t leave anything out.

How can I use my experience to best help you?

What specific questions do you have at this point in your journey?

What do you wish you could ask me over coffee?

Leave a comment or email me directly at: myrealkid@gmail.com

Thank you all, and Happy New Year! May 2017 be the year all of our dreams come true.

Why I want my son to know his birth family

On By alliegardnerIn Adoptive Parenting, Our Adoption Story8 Comments

When I started writing this blog, I committed to not writing about anyone else’s story or experience with adoption but mine. I’ve never mentioned personal details about Miles’ birth family and don’t plan on it. But, now that Miles is two and a half and is becoming more aware of what family means, they’ve been on my mind a lot. I’m still not going to name names or show photos without their permission, but I think it’s okay to write in more general terms.

I’m fortunate to have stayed in contact with Miles’ birthmother since he was born. She’s a wonderful, strong woman who loves him so much. He’s on her mind all of the time, and I’ve cared about her immensely ever since I met her on the day he was born. She’s doing really well these days and I love getting updates from her and keeping her informed on what Miles is doing, what he likes, what his favorite things are, etc. Miles has a full sibling, an older brother, and it’s very important to me that I give him every opportunity to nurture that connection. His brother, who is three years older than him, asks about him often. I share photos of him with Miles and he and I talk about both of them frequently. I think he’s starting to understand in a limited way at this point. He said “brother” the other day when I showed him a photograph.

We haven’t visited yet (they live pretty far away) but I plan on making the trip sometime soon. I’m looking forward to the day when we get to meet his entire extended birth family. On Miles’ birthday last year, they threw a party for him at their local park. We didn’t know about it so we weren’t there, but they had a cake with his name on it and they released balloons for him. Later that day, his birthmother sent me a video of them singing Happy Birthday to him and I couldn’t stop crying. What an incredibly sweet thing to do. We’ve watched that video hundreds of times, and I know he will treasure it forever.

People often ask how I can feel secure in doing that or if I worry that he will want to go live with them one day. The truth is that I just want to do what is best for him and I truly believe that giving him the chance to know his birth family, and especially his biological mother and brother, will be one of the greatest things I could ever do for him. I cannot control what the future will bring. All I can control is my best effort at keeping that door open for him, wherever it shall lead.

Is it always going to be easy? Probably not. Will he say something heartbreaking to me one day about wanting to live with his “real” family? Maybe. But what I’ve come to learn on this journey is that there is no such thing as too much love for a child or too many people caring about a child, and that there is no such thing as possession of a child. He is not “mine,” nor does he “belong” to anyone else. I am simply blessed to have him in my life and to have been given the great honor and responsibility of being his mother. I may not be his only mother, but I am his only mommy and that’s enough for me.

It’s more than enough; it’s everything.

 

 

 

 

Thankful That I Couldn’t Have a Biological Child

On By alliegardnerIn Everyday Life, Our Adoption Story14 Comments

photo-117Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, and not just because I get to stuff my face with turkey and gravy and potatoes and pie (although that is definitely awesome). I love how the day always makes me think about what I’m most thankful for. I didn’t say this out loud at dinner–it’s not your typical toast–but I am truly and deeply grateful for my inability to have a biological child.

Had I had an easy time getting pregnant, I would never have met my son. I would be missing out on so much right now. I am sure I would have loved a biological child, but I would not have MY child. This child, this beautiful boy right here. This little boy who I am more in love with than anything else on the entire planet and in the whole history of the world.

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If I had gotten a positive pregnancy test, I would have a normal family that blended in with the crowd and a child who looked like me. I would not have this beautiful, colorful, diverse family that may not look alike but who loves each other just the same. I would not have the compassion, understanding, wisdom, community, and love that I have gained through adopting a child of another race.

I would have love, but I would not have his love. My heart would be bigger, but it would not be this big. I would be happy, but I would not be this happy.

I would be thankful, but I would not be this thankful.

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My life was forever changed when my son entered it. I’m grateful that I understand so much more than I ever did about race and what it feels like to be ‘othered’ by society. I am thankful that my eyes have been opened and my thoughts and feelings have expanded and grown and multiplied in ways that I never dreamed of. When Miles was born, I did not just get a child, I got a whole new perspective on life and what it means to be a human being. I am truly a better person because of him.

I am thankful every day for the presence of my beautiful black boy with his dark chocolate skin, deep brown eyes, and contagious spirit. I love learning about his rich heritage and figuring out ways to include it in our daily lives. I love how intentional I have to be every day. I love the smell of his soft hair after I rub coconut oil in it and how the odd curl refuses to be tamed. He makes me laugh a million times a day and I cannot imagine a life without him in it.

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I wish I had been able to tell myself this when I was trying to get pregnant: that my biggest heartbreak would soon turn into my greatest joy. And that I would be eternally grateful for the gift of infertility, no matter how much it hurt at the time.

 

What should I write about now?

On By alliegardnerIn Our Adoption Story19 Comments

IMG_8068I’ve been doing a lot of writerly soul searching lately… what should I be writing about? Is it OK to blog about my son? How much of our story is mine to tell? Now that our adoption is finalized, is Adopting Charlie’s journey over or should I write about our lives together? We’re talking about starting the process for a second child soon – should I blog about that?

I *think* people are still finding this site useful. I get a few new readers now and then and I love reading comments when they come in. But I’m having a bit of writer’s block when it comes to Adopting Charlie. I’m not sure where to take it next, if anywhere. So, I thought I’d ask you all.

What do you want from this site? What would be helpful to you in your own journeys?

Please leave a comment with any ideas or inspiration. I’d love to hear what you’d like to see me cover and/or if you think I’ve said all I should say.

Thank you so much!

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Finally finalized + our adoption video

On By alliegardnerIn Our Adoption Story17 Comments

A lot has happened since my last post! Miles’ adoption was officially finalized on March 5th, 2015. We didn’t actually know until the end of the month, though — can you believe no one told us? There was no court date and no appearance, which was a bit anti-climactic. It was just a judge signing some papers. And our attorney failed to tell us when the papers had actually been signed. This was really surprising because he was so great, and an adoptive father himself. I would have assumed he knew how important it was to us. Anyway, the adoption is now official in the eyes of the law (even though it has been final in our eyes since the moment we held our sweet boy) and we couldn’t be happier.

I had been saving this video to share when we announced our finalization (didn’t think it would take this long!). A wonderful local photographer created this film for us and we think it’s a super sweet memento of our first year together. Miles has brought us such joy and I can’t imagine our lives without him. I thank my lucky stars every day for the tremendous honor and privilege of raising this cuddly, sweet, smiling baby boy.

We finally have consent to adopt!

On By alliegardnerIn Our Adoption Story12 Comments

2015-01-14 17.43.13Miles is 10 months old today! It’s so hard to believe that much time has gone by. It’s also hard now to remember a time when he wasn’t with us.

I just love this little kid. He really is turning into a little kid. He got his first tooth this week, and there’s already another on the way. And it’s official: he’s a total mama’s boy. He has become my little cling-on and wants to be on my hip at all times. So I’ve learned to vacuum, cook, clean, and even sometimes work with a rather large baby in my arms. My biceps are always burning, but I wouldn’t have it any other way – I love it!

2015-01-14 17.43.15Our agency in Texas finally signed the consent to adopt (yay!) so that means that our attorney in Virginia can petition the court for finalization. After that, our Virginia agency will write a final report and then the court will say that we are officially a forever family. I guess we won’t be going into court to make an appearance. Here, I think your attorney just calls and tells you that it’s official. Kind of anticlimactic. I was picturing a day in court with a jolly old judge and tears and hugs and photos and the whole shebang. Oh well, we will just have to think of another way to mark the occasion!

 

Community reactions to my transracial adoptive family

On By alliegardnerIn On Race, Our Adoption Story13 Comments

IMG_2693I can’t believe that I haven’t written a post in more than a month. What a slacker! I could tell you I’ve been busy as can be and that would be true, but I think there’s more truth in the fact that I just don’t want to put my baby boy down. Like, ever. He’s so snuggly and he gives the best hugs now. He’s such a love bug. If I’m going to continue writing this blog, though, I know I have to get better about managing my time. So, today I thought I’d tell you how our journey as a transracial adoptive family is going so far, and how other people are reacting to our family.

In a nutshell: it has been wonderful.

Sometimes I look at Miles and honestly forget that he hasn’t just always been here, and that he isn’t biologically related to me. He’s just my son and that’s that. I’m aware that our skin doesn’t match but while we don’t match, we do coordinate. I mean, black and white is the quintessential color combination, right? Kidding aside, being a black and white family has already enriched our lives in so many ways.

Continue reading “Community reactions to my transracial adoptive family” →

Post-placement visits, paperwork… and lots of love

On By alliegardnerIn Our Adoption Story20 Comments

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People who don’t understand adoption assume that once you bring the baby home, the adoption is complete. But domestic adoption doesn’t work that way. Depending on where the adoptive parents or birth parents live, and those particular state’s laws, adoptive parents only have what is called “legal-risk placement” of the baby for the first six months. Essentially, the baby is not officially or legally part of your family yet, but rather, is “placed” with you pending legalities and more paperwork. Just when you think you’re done with filling out forms, there are more!

Because Miles was born in Texas, his birthmother was able to voluntarily and irrevocably relinquish her rights 48 hours after he was born. So, thankfully, we haven’t had to worry about her changing her mind about the adoption. (I don’t think I could have handled that particular stress for six months.) But the agency we worked with then became the legal guardian of Miles–not us–and said agency then “placed” him with us for six months until the required amount of time and post-placement visits with social workers have been completed and we can finalize the adoption.

I guess it’s like a trial period, designed to ensure that we aren’t totally inept at this parenthood thing. The time when birth parents can officially relinquish rights varies from state to state, but to my knowledge most states have the 6-month waiting period before finalization.

Continue reading “Post-placement visits, paperwork… and lots of love” →

Out-of-state agencies & ICPC: Words of advice for adoptive parents

On By alliegardnerIn Our Adoption Story13 Comments

IMG_5954I want to start this post by saying that our adoption experience has been so easy and smooth compared to many I’ve heard. In the grand scheme of things, everything that mattered went very, very well. We hit it off with Miles’ birthmother and immediately felt a great connection to her, and she was resolute in her decision that we were the best parents for Miles.

We bonded immediately with Miles–we felt right away that he was our son. And he came home with us. So, really, that is all that matters and we know how incredibly fortunate we are. Every day I thank the universe for bringing such joy into our lives. I love this little boy more than I ever dreamed possible.

Our adoption experience has been wonderful and we have been so very blessed.2014-04-28 11.36.29

But the process side of it was not all unicorns and rainbows–we had some issues with the Texas agency we were assigned. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that it all happened very quickly. We were chosen, matched, and then Miles was born two days later. It was a whirlwind and it happened over a weekend and I know there wasn’t a lot of time for the adoption center we had been working with all along to educate us on what was happening. But at times we really felt like we were flying blind.

I think if we had time to research adoption law in Texas, things would have been easier. If I had time to research agencies, read reviews, and talk to other people who have adopted from Texas, we could have made an informed choice on agencies. But we didn’t have time for any of that.

Continue reading “Out-of-state agencies & ICPC: Words of advice for adoptive parents” →

Our Adoption Story: Three weeks in Texas

On By alliegardnerIn Our Adoption Story8 Comments

2014-04-19 11.09.10No matter how many books you read or how much time you spend with other people’s babies, nothing can prepare you for the first time it’s just you alone with your baby. When we left the hospital with Miles, it felt like a dream. Everything had happened so quickly and now here we were, free to leave with our boy. We could hardly believe we were allowed to take him. We left the hospital walking on air… and then we got to the hotel room.

I could have titled this post, “The Surreal Life: Two sleep-deprived people, a newborn and two big dogs destroy a hotel room” because that pretty much sums up the chaos that ensued. Beautiful, blessed chaos, but chaos all the same. We were so incredibly happy and excited to have our son with us. But what we would have given to have been able to take him directly home to our comfortable house, with our comfortable couch, separate sleeping areas, full kitchen, and washer-and-dryer.

Continue reading “Our Adoption Story: Three weeks in Texas” →