Tag: adoption

But, is it diverse enough?

On By alliegardnerIn Adoptive Parenting5 Comments

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I have always loved to travel, and to live in new places. I’ve called seven different cities and countless more rental houses home in the past 20 years. Each time I’ve moved, there were numerous decisions to be made: where to live, where to work, where to play being among them. In the past, I was always free to pick and choose the best neighborhood I could afford, closest to the biggest park, and the amenities that were important to me at the time.

Not once–not one time–did I have to rule out a city, town, or neighborhood I desired based on the color of my skin. While I have always enjoyed diversity, whether or not a place is diverse enough has never been a make-it-or-break-it question on my list. I never saw this as white privilege, but it’s exactly what it is.

With the adoption of my African-American son, that has all changed. If we ever decide to move, we can no longer live just anywhere. We can’t just simply choose the “best” neighborhood with the “best” schools. I have a Black son, and I don’t want his face in the mirror to be the only other Black one he sees. I don’t want to worry about him getting arrested (or worse) simply for walking home or to the park. I want him to go to a good school, but I also know that dealing with racism and othering at the best school would be far worse for him than a mediocre education at a diverse school.

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I read this article, Where Should My Black Son Go to School? the other day written by a Black mother who was trying to figure out where to live in Los Angeles. She chronicles her struggle to find a good neighborhood, with good schools, AND a healthy black population. Here’s an excerpt:

“Looking for a place with good schools, a healthy environment, and diversity has taken over your life. You can’t help but mention it in conversation at your son’s preschool. A White mom says she has never thought of diversity as being important when choosing her daughter’s school. She says it doesn’t matter. You know she is only saying this because it has never been her experience to be at risk of harm because of her race. You wonder how fast it would take her to react if no one in her child’s classroom looked like her child—if her child came home crying from being teased and insulted by teachers and peers alike from being the only one.

You realize that White moms of White children are lucky. This is the essence of White privilege. They can live anywhere and be safe. They never have to think about how these decisions will shape their sons’ educational future. And sometimes, quite literally, also his life and death.”

Before having a Black son, I didn’t quite realize the extent to which race affects every decision a Black family makes. Among many other things, I can no longer  (nor do I want to) freely pick just anywhere to live. “But, is it diverse enough?” will be the question at the heart of every major decision we make as a family.

 

 

 

 

How to Tell When It’s Time to Take a Break from that Online Adoption Group

On By alliegardnerIn Adoptive Parenting68 Comments

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* Based on feedback I’ve received, I have decided to edit this post. I never meant to target any one group, nor did I intend to blame birthparents or adoptees for my need to take a break from these sometimes intense discussions. That was not my intention, but it came across that way to certain people whom I did not mean to offend. So, let me try this again.

** I have decided to close comments on this post after receiving word that members of one of these groups are “campaigning against me” to invade my online and personal space and life. These people have been saying truly hateful, derogatory, harmful, dangerous, and disrespectful things about me in this group. This kind of viciousness is toxic to everyone who encounters it and I will not give these people a platform on my blog. **

I want to begin by saying that I have learned so much from online adoption groups. I have benefitted tremendously from these groups and from hearing other people’s experiences and perspectives pertaining to issues that I’m dealing with. I’m truly grateful for all of the people who take the time to participate in these groups.

But these places are not always easy spaces to be in and I think they can sometimes do a person more harm than good. Even the most well-moderated groups can get off track because there are so many mixed emotions in adoption and these groups typically include all members of the adoption triad, (birthmothers/fathers, adoptive parents, and adoptees) all who have different backstories and opposing opinions. This is a good and necessary thing because hearing/reading other viewpoints is how we learn. Ideally, we would all listen to each other with compassion and understanding and gain insight into aspects of adoption that we hadn’t considered.

But it doesn’t always happen that way, and sometimes it can all just be a bit much. When that happens, when people are burned out or stressed out or angry, discussions tend to dissolve. In my opinion, a little time-out to gather your thoughts is the best way to get yourself ready to come back and learn with a positive attitude and your defenses down. Literally, I have been doing this ever since I was a young adult and learned how to control my anger: leave the room, count to 10, take a deep breath, return. It works, and it’s all that I’m advocating here.

Here’s how to tell if it’s time to take a little break from that online adoption support group:

  • You start feeling bad about your decision to adopt. A lot of issues come up in these groups, some of which may be hard to hear. If you’re starting to feel bad about yourself for adopting or wanting to adopt, it might be time to take a short break.
  • You forget that every adoption and the people and circumstances surrounding it are different. 
  • You’re angry, and starting to let that anger consume you. I’ve seen so much anger in these online groups and some people don’t seem to be able to let it go. If a group you’re in is upsetting you to the point that you feel this way, it’s time to take a break.
  • You’re hearing so many different voices that you have forgotten how YOU truly feel and why you wanted to adopt in the first place. The more noise surrounding you, the harder it is to hear what your heart and gut instincts are telling you. Listen to everyone but when it gets to the point that you don’t know how you feel, you need to take a break even if it’s just to think.
  • You’re spending too much time there. Are you constantly replying to comments or engaged in endless, unresolvable arguments to the detriment of the people in your life?  These groups can be totally engrossing, and I don’t think that’s healthy. Unplug, log off, put the phone away and connect with the people in your life. Meet some other adoptive families in your community; talk to adoptees and birthparents in person.

If you are nodding your head yes to any of these, maybe it’s a sign that you could use a break. Just a little hiatus. You don’t have to leave the group entirely, but maybe turn off notifications/unfollow the group for awhile and resist the urge to participate for a few days. Then, when you’ve had a chance to gather your own thoughts and emotions, you’ll have the strength/will power to have meaningful dialogue with others.

** Editing to add that if you are part of a group where you feel your personal safety or the future of your business or career could be at stake simply by speaking up or challenging majority opinion or that of the admins, it’s my personal opinion that that is not a healthy place to be. This is my first experience with cyber bullying and/or cyber harassment and, frankly, it was a little scary. I don’t need that in my life. **

This Adoptive Mother’s Secret Fear

On By alliegardnerIn Adoptive Parenting24 Comments

imageAt 21 months old, Miles is still unaware that our family was brought together by adoption, or what adoption even is. I’m just ‘mommy’ and we’re pretty much always attached at the hip (my hip, because he still looooves to be carried). There is nothing in his life right now that a hug from me can’t fix. I can kiss away boo-boos and frustrations, tears and nightmares; you name it.

Right now, everything is so perfect and simple.

But I have a secret: Lately, at night, when the house is quiet and everyone is asleep, I’ve been getting a little scared. Not of the dark. But of adoption.

Not of adoption itself, but of the way Miles may feel about it when he understands what it means. All too soon, he will become aware of the one thing that I won’t be able to kiss away: the fact that he was not born to me. And I worry about how he will feel when he realizes what that means.

Like every other parent, I want to protect my child from the world. But unlike every other parent, I know that there is major heartbreak in his near future: the loss that he will experience when he becomes conscious of his first family. I have always known this was coming but it has always seemed so far off. The closer it gets, though, the more I’ve begun to think about–and secretly dread–it. The day when he understands will be here sooner than I’m ready for it to be.

Part of me is also a tiny bit scared that his feelings for me could somehow change–or become complicated, at least–when he realizes that our family was formed differently than other families and that he has another mother out there. It’s not that I’m jealous or don’t want to share him or his love. That’s not it at all. I love his birthmother. She gave me the greatest gift that anyone possibly could and she changed my life for the better forever. He is and always will be part of her and vice versa and I will always honor that and do what I can to support that relationship. I know that he will always love me. I’m his mom. I know this.

But I just don’t want the way he feels about me to change at all. Ever. I don’t want anything about our relationship to change.

Will he say mommy differently or settle less comfortably in my arms? Will he feel differently somehow about our little family? Will it be the same? Will he still run to me when he’s hurt and scared, tired or upset? Will he still light up when he sees me after I’ve been away, yelling my name and jumping into my arms? Will he feel as positive about his adoption as I do?

I know that I am being silly. I love the fact that our family was formed through adoption, and I love him more than anything in the world. I am confident in our love. Our bond is as strong as it could be. I know that we will grieve his loss together and that he will be okay because he is strong and resilient. I’m trying to prepare him by telling him his birth story and introducing the concept of adoption long before he understands. I know that I shouldn’t be scared of this.

And I’m usually not. But sometimes… every once and awhile… I am.

I’m sharing this with you because I imagine it’s pretty common for adoptive parents to feel this way. It’s a reality that our children have to deal with big, complicated emotions at a young age and that it won’t always be easy. I think the most we can do is to be strong, love them the best we can, be honest with them, and create a safe space for them to share their feelings with us.

Any other adoptive parents ever feel this way?

 

 

5 Abilities Every Adoptive Parent Needs

On By alliegardnerIn Adoptive Parenting4 Comments

2015-12-04 11.09.00-1First and foremost, adoptive parents are parents. We have the same challenges (please don’t take your pants off in the grocery store!) and worries (the doctor said he shouldn’t be drinking out of a bottle anymore; why won’t he use a sippy cup) as any other parent out there. But, we also have additional challenges and worries that rise above those of biological families (how do I make sure he has a strong racial identity, how will he feel on “family tree” day at school, etc).

If you’re in the process of adopting or have adopted, you are the kind of person who can handle these things because you are the kind of person who takes care of business. You’ve never met a a brick wall thick enough to stop you from finding a way through or around it. I know you–you are determined and resourceful, which is good because you need to be those things, and more.

Here are 5 (more) abilities you’ll need on your journey as an adoptive parent:

Empathy. If nothing else, you’re going to need the ability to be aware of and share the feelings of other people, especially your child and his birth family. The phrase “put yourself in her/his shoes” should be running on repeat in your head at all times. Empathy will help you treat your child’s birth family with love and respect and will help you relate to your son or daughter and share in his or her grief. It is essential to let your child know that it’s OK to feel sad and that you feel it, too. Gaining an understanding of what they are going through is crucial.

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Humility. When you adopt, everything becomes about your child. There is no room for selfishness or self-centeredness in adoption. Adoptive parents do what is best for their children and not for themselves; their feelings take a backseat.  This might not always be the most comfortable thing, but that doesn’t matter. Doing the best thing for the children–whether that be working hard to have relationships with birth families or being the minority so a child can be in the majority–is the most important thing.

Strength. As an adoptive parent, you will probably hear things from time to time that might make a weaker person feel bad. You may feel like an outsider at times, when every other family is biological or people are talking about their children looking just like them or someone says something ignorant about adoption. You may be criticized for adopting outside of your race or for adopting at all. Having a thick skin, so to speak, will keep you from getting too easily bruised. Because, really, who cares what other people think? By all means, educate people and stand up for yourself and your child when necessary, but letting negativity roll off your back gives YOU the power.

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Optimism. Life is short and full of so many good things–your adoptive family is definitely one of them. There is, however, some negativity associated with adoption in various circles. We’ve all heard the adoption horror stories and read the scary articles. We must educate ourselves about the real issues that our children will face as they grow, but remember that our children are their own people and not studies or statistics. While attitude may not really be everything, it’s definitely high on the list of what defines us. Happy people are simply people who make the choice to be happy. Optimism has many advantages, from lowering stress to helping you meet goals, achieve your dreams, live longer–and be a better parent.

A Sense of Humor. Sometimes the best thing to do is to laugh about it. Laughter is one of the most fun and effective ways to bond with your child and as a family. It’s also a great release when things get too tense or serious… or when your kid takes his pants off in the grocery store. Again.

 

A White Mother Explains What It’s Like to Raise Black Boys

On By alliegardnerIn Adoptive Parenting2 Comments

Kristen Howerton, a woman in a transracial adoption support group I belong to on Facebook, was recently interviewed by Yahoo! Parenting about what it’s like to be the white mother of two black boys (she has two biological daughters as well). This wonderful article + video was the result of that interview.

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I relate to so much of what she said. Her boys are older than Miles–age 10 and 6–but reading her words reinforced for me the complicated issues we will have to deal with as Miles gets older (and bigger). Unfortunately, young black boys are forced to grow up faster than other children because they tend to be taller and look older than white kids their age–and this makes society sometimes view them with racial bias and as dangerous. Not at all fair, but unfortunately reality. Her oldest isn’t even a teenager yet, but Kristen says in the article that she is already having to take precautions that white parent’s don’t:

“How her sons are viewed by strangers, for instance, recently become an issue. “They’re perceived as older, and research shows that to be true,” she says. “They are perceived as more threatening than their white counterpoints. And that’s a steep learning curve [for us] because you’d like to think that society is better than it is on this issue.” If her sons go to a playground, she notes, “There’s this sort of ‘Where are the parents?’ feeling that I don’t feel like is the same for my girls. And I’m always very on alert and making sure that any interaction with them from another adult is on par with what’s appropriate for their age.” Then, at home, the family talks about her sons’ race and their height. She says she tells the boys, “‘People are going to have different expectations of you, because you are 10 and look like a teenager.’ These are conversations that we have a lot.””

I really like what she says below about having the talk about discrimination be an ongoing conversation:

“Kristen doesn’t shy away from the reality of discrimination. Talking with her sons about it, she says, is “kind of like having the sex conversation, in that it shouldn’t be one conversation. It should be an ongoing conversation about things as they are developmentally appropriate.” Regardless of skin tone, “everyone is nervous about having these conversations with their black sons,” she adds. “It’s a heavy weight for everyone. Is there a pit in my stomach about those conversations? Absolutely. There’s a weight and a sadness to it, but I think it absolutely has to happen at the same time, because that’s how I prepare them to negotiate the world that they live in.””

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I’ve been thinking a lot about how to approach this with Miles when he’s older. It’s not going to be easy, the first time I tell him that people will look at him differently because his skin is brown. I hate that I will have to tell him that at all. But I absolutely must. He needs to know about racial bias from me and his Dad before he encounters it out in the world and is surprised. We need to prepare him for it, just like black parents would do.

At 19 months, I tell him every day how beautiful I think he is and how much I love his brown skin and curly hair. His favorite book right now is Chocolate Me by Taye Diggs, which is all about how special and wonderful and beautiful “chocolate” skin is. I don’t know if he notices that the main character looks like him yet, but I think he might. We read kids’ books that feature black characters like Spike Lee’s Please, Puppy, Please all the time. It’s not much, but these are simple things that I can do (in addition to building a community of color) while he’s still very young that I hope will help lay the foundation for confidence and pride in his blackness.

Kristen says it best in the article: “My job for 18 years is to just pour into them and give them every resource that I can so they can mitigate this and be the best person they can be.” 

Watch the video if you get a chance. It’s worth the time.

Photo credits: Yahoo! Parenting

 

Thankful That I Couldn’t Have a Biological Child

On By alliegardnerIn Everyday Life, Our Adoption Story14 Comments

photo-117Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, and not just because I get to stuff my face with turkey and gravy and potatoes and pie (although that is definitely awesome). I love how the day always makes me think about what I’m most thankful for. I didn’t say this out loud at dinner–it’s not your typical toast–but I am truly and deeply grateful for my inability to have a biological child.

Had I had an easy time getting pregnant, I would never have met my son. I would be missing out on so much right now. I am sure I would have loved a biological child, but I would not have MY child. This child, this beautiful boy right here. This little boy who I am more in love with than anything else on the entire planet and in the whole history of the world.

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If I had gotten a positive pregnancy test, I would have a normal family that blended in with the crowd and a child who looked like me. I would not have this beautiful, colorful, diverse family that may not look alike but who loves each other just the same. I would not have the compassion, understanding, wisdom, community, and love that I have gained through adopting a child of another race.

I would have love, but I would not have his love. My heart would be bigger, but it would not be this big. I would be happy, but I would not be this happy.

I would be thankful, but I would not be this thankful.

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My life was forever changed when my son entered it. I’m grateful that I understand so much more than I ever did about race and what it feels like to be ‘othered’ by society. I am thankful that my eyes have been opened and my thoughts and feelings have expanded and grown and multiplied in ways that I never dreamed of. When Miles was born, I did not just get a child, I got a whole new perspective on life and what it means to be a human being. I am truly a better person because of him.

I am thankful every day for the presence of my beautiful black boy with his dark chocolate skin, deep brown eyes, and contagious spirit. I love learning about his rich heritage and figuring out ways to include it in our daily lives. I love how intentional I have to be every day. I love the smell of his soft hair after I rub coconut oil in it and how the odd curl refuses to be tamed. He makes me laugh a million times a day and I cannot imagine a life without him in it.

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I wish I had been able to tell myself this when I was trying to get pregnant: that my biggest heartbreak would soon turn into my greatest joy. And that I would be eternally grateful for the gift of infertility, no matter how much it hurt at the time.

 

Best Friends of the Furry Kind

On By alliegardnerIn Adoptive Parenting, Everyday Life4 Comments

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He’s not even two years old yet, but Miles already has two best friends: our old English lab and our middle-aged mutt, his constant companions.  They have both adored him from the start. Now that he’s running around, he plays ball with the lab, (which is hilarious) chases the mutt, and snuggles up with (or sits on) them all the time. He makes sure they eat pretty good these days, too, dutifully sharing both his favorite snacks and his least favorite vegetables.

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Our dogs have been a part of Miles’ life ever since the day he was born. When we drove from Virginia to Texas after getting the call that Miles’ birthmother was in labor, we packed up the car and brought the dogs because we had no idea when we’d be back (and we only had one day notice that we were about to have a baby!). So they knew him right from the start and immediately went into protector mode.

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We ended up being in Texas for an entire month, and were very happy to have the dogs with us on the most important trip of our lives (after all, they were our babies first). When we were feeling stressed over ICPC or the frustrating Texan adoption agency we had to work with, we would look at sweet, sleeping Miles, and then pet the dogs. When we had no idea if we were ever going to be able to go home, I would put Miles in a baby carrier and walk the dogs. We both remarked several times on that trip how glad we were that they were there (even if they added an extra layer of complexity to the situation).

I love that I have photos like the one below when Miles was four days old and we were living in a hotel room (was that ever an adventure) and then from the porch of the sweet little house we rented on AirBnB for three weeks.

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Having a pet has been proven to be great for your health by lowering anxiety and stress levels. Dogs are there for you always, whenever you need them, absolutely unconditionally. Even though they are not humans, their company makes us feel less alone. If you’ve ever wrestled with a stressful, sad, scary, depressing situation, you know how isolating it can sometimes be. Dogs are soft and furry, which in addition to getting hair all over your couch and black pants, also provides comfort that’s hard to beat. To simply pet a dog or cat is to lower your blood pressure as much as lowering your sodium intake.

Look, see — Miles doesn’t appear stressed at all, does he?

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In the same way that I want to equip him with a love of nature and the outdoors to help him when he struggles, I also want him to equip him with a love for animals.

Having a dog has helped me through so many hard times in my life. My dogs have been on the receiving end of my tears too many times to count and have never once backed away from offering a furry shoulder to cry on.

When Miles is going through his teenage years, and in young adolescence when he tries to make sense of his adoption and racial identity, I want his dog to be sitting next to him. I want him to be able to pet that dog and calm himself and know that that dog is his–his best, most loyal friend, his companion, his protector. When he feels that there is no one in this world who understands him, I want his dog to lick his face and beg him to play ball or go for a walk. I want the responsibility of caring for a dog to bring him back to reality if he ever starts to spiral into darkness.


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This is something that Miles’ birthmother also wanted for him. Our dogs were one of the reasons that she chose us to be his family. She never had the chance to have a dog, but she said that she thought every little kid should–and she loved the thought that he would have two.

I’m pretty sure that he would agree with that wholeheartedly.

 

 

 

Nature Heals: Why I want my adopted son to be outdoorsy

On By alliegardnerIn Adoptive Parenting4 Comments


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Miles loves to be outside. When he was a teeny tiny thing and crying for one reason or another, I could always take him outside on the porch at our old house to calm him down. One look up at the trees surrounding our yard and he would quiet right down and go to sleep. Even now, if he’s restless, agitated, or upset, a trip out to the yard is just the thing to turn his day (and mine) right around.

We’ve planted the seeds early for a life-long love affair with nature and the outdoors by taking him hiking ever since he was big enough to fit in the backpack. This weekend, he was able to take a substantial hike for the first time on his own two legs. I was amazed at how far he got — he walked more than a mile, smiling and laughing as he stepped over logs, picked up sticks, and kicked fallen leaves. He absolutely loved it and I’m psyched to have a new hiking partner that I don’t have to carry the whole way (I’m also psyched that he slept for three hours afterwards).

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Nature has always been my antidote; there is nothing like a walk in the woods to cure me of everything from anxiety to stress and even loneliness and depression. The Great Outdoors has been proven–with actual research--to lower blood pressure, decrease stress hormones, and act as an anti-depressant on the brain, boosting serotonin and other feel-good hormones. Being outside, surrounded by trees and grass and feeling the wind and sun on your face is just plain good for you.

Being in the forest, whether I’m walking, running, horseback riding or just sitting under a tree–calms my mind and reminds me that I am connected to something much bigger than myself. Being outside, and especially in the woods, is an escape from all the noise. Surrounded by nature, I can breathe. Fresh air, trees, and wildlife fill me with love and gratitude and remind me what it means to be alive.

I believe that it’s especially important for children (and adults) who have heavy things like adoption on their hearts and minds to seek connection with nature. I know that as an adoptee, especially a transracial adoptee, Miles will undoubtedly experience confusion and sadness related to adoption that I won’t be able to resolve for him. So it’s important for me to equip and empower him with the one thing that never fails to lift my spirits: a deep and lasting love of Mother Nature.

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When his adoption causes him to wonder who he is and where he belongs in this world, I hope that he will always find comfort in going to the woods. I hope that spending time in nature fills him with a childlike wonder like it does me, and reminds him that that everyone and everything is connected. I hope the sounds of the birds and the wind rustling through the trees will dull any sadness he feels and give him the confidence to soldier on through even the darkest of days. Because no matter what else is going on, the natural world is always a magical place–and he belongs to it just like it belongs to him.

p.s. I believe in the power of the outdoors so much that my day job is all about connecting people to nature. A few months ago, I interviewed Dr. Scott Sampson (from PBS’ Dinosaur Train) about his new book, How to Raise a Wild Child: The Art and Science of Falling in Love with Nature for The Trust for Public Land’s blog. If you have kids, this book is a great read and has cool ideas on ways to nurture a love of nature in your children–whether you live in the city or the country. Little known fact: Dr. Scott and his wife adopted a child, too.

 

 

 

 

 

5 Ways My White Friends & Family Can be Allies for my Black Son

On By alliegardnerIn On Race10 Comments

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My family is different–and I love that. Having a child of color has enriched my life and expanded my emotional intelligence in so many ways. But as the mother of a Black son, racism is on my mind nearly every day now. I have learned so much about it and I want to share some of that with you on this blog because I know how much you all care about Miles, too.

Here are 5 ways that you can be an ally, not only for Miles, but for all kids of color:

1. Don’t pretend to be colorblind. You can say that Miles is black. (You don’t have to say African-American, although that’s OK to say, as is person of color or kid of color.) Black is not a 4-letter word. It’s his race. I’m proud of it and it is absolutely crucial that he is, too. I don’t want him to think that it’s something that he should be ashamed of. Instead, celebrate his Blackness with me. He’s a perfect, cuddly, beautiful Black baby boy and I couldn’t be prouder of that fact.

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2. If I bring up racism or white privilege, please have the courage to talk with me about it. This is my life now. I know that talking about race is uncomfortable for you–it was uncomfortable for me at first, too. But my child–and every Black child in this country–needs white advocates who aren’t afraid to learn about and talk about racism because, unfortunately, it is still exists. Trust me when I tell you that it definitely does. By acknowledging it, maybe we can create change.

3. Your white children will have privileges and be able to do things that my son won’t be able to do. This is the unfortunate reality of every Black parent in the country and now it is mine as well. And it just plain sucks. When you’re teaching your son to assert his rights when questioned by a police officer, I will have to tell mine to put his hands up and eyes down and try not to get shot. I’m going to have to teach him things–really sad, awful things–about the world that you will not have to teach your child, and when he’s a teenager I may just go absolutely insane with worry every time he leaves the house. Tell me that you get it and that it’s not fair. Help me think of ways to make it better.

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4. I can’t tell you how much I would appreciate you being intentional about teaching your children and/or grandchildren, nieces, or nephews that other races are just as beautiful and worthy and strong as ours. I think white parents sometimes forget to do that or don’t know how to go about it. But kids start to notice racial differences at a pretty young age and as parents, we have the ability to shape how they feel about those differences. Expose them to diversity in culture, books, toys, entertainment and look for opportunities to show them heroes and great men and women of color so they know that strong, good people come in every color and not just white. Something this simple can help shape our children into loving and empathetic adults.

5. Use your privilege to push for diversity (both in student bodies and in teaching staff) and equality for kids of color at your children’s school. As a white parent, you have a lot of power. Stand up and say something if you see racism happening. Ask the school to recruit more Black teachers. Black children historically have a really tough time in school because of systemic racism. This article from The Washington Post talks about how racism is pushing more Black parents to homeschool their kids. I’m actually considering homeschooling Miles–not at our home (I’d screw him up for sure!) but in a homeschool community coop for kids of color where there is an actual, accredited teacher in charge and I can be sure that he will be treated with respect and surrounded by children and teachers that look like him.

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Thank you for reading, for going on this journey with me, and for all of your love and support!

A letter to my (adopted) son on his first birthday

On By alliegardnerIn Adoptive Parenting13 Comments

It’s so hard to believe that you are already one year old. It feels like just yesterday you and I were wheeled out of the hospital together. You were so small and I was so blissfully happy to finally have met you. Time has flown by the past 365 days, even as I wished for it to slow down. You have brought such incredible joy to our lives during your first revolution around the sun. Being your mama is an honor and a privilege and I hope that I can always do right by you.

One thing’s for sure: I will spend the rest of my life trying.

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Now that you are a toddler, your personality is really beginning to shine. You are funny and sweet and brave and determined. You make people smile everywhere we go. I cannot tell you how many lives you have touched. Even on a simple trip to the grocery store, you melt hearts, lift spirits, and give freely little blessings of happiness and laughter. Making Daddy (Daaaaaaaa) laugh is your favorite thing to do, along with growling and panting like the doggies, vacuuming on Mommy’s hip, taking clothes in and out of the washing machine (yes, you once LOVED to do chores), and crawling around in that adorably cute hybrid walk-crawl thing you do. You love to be outside. I mean, love it. You could watch the leaves blow in the breeze all day and be perfectly content. You are also smitten with books and cannot get enough of them. Your favorite book is called My Love for You. (pssst…it’s mine, too.) Every time you see that book you light up like a Christmas tree. It can pull you out of the crankiest of moods.

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You and I just love spending time together–we savor our long walks in the park with your doggies, Gracie & Taylor, and love hanging out on the back porch and in the yard listening to the birds and the horses next door. You are fascinated with birds and point at every single one that flies by. When you need me, you yell “NaNaNa!” at the top of your lungs. That’s what you call me, and it’s music to my ears. Every morning, you spend an hour (sometimes two when you get up really early) playing with Daddy before he goes to work and I suspect that this is the highlight of his day. I believe it may be yours, too. The love between you two is something to behold. The love between the three of us is a force to be reckoned with.

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You only had two teeth when you turned one–both on the bottom–but there is one on the top that is starting to poke through (ouch) and you are already (pretty) good at chewing food. Your favorite food is fruit–cantaloupe, pineapple, and watermelon–and we just discovered that you love chicken noodle soup like Mama, and ham and cheese like Dad. You refuse to eat peas, but most other things are fair game. It’s so fun watching you get better at picking up food with your sweet little fingers and trying to use a spoon. You try so hard at everything you do and eating is no exception. I have no doubt that you’ll be wielding your own utensils soon.

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You don’t realize that our skin doesn’t match yet, but I know you probably will soon. And even though we have been together from the moment you were born, you had another family first, before you came into the world. I will tell you all about your adoption when you’re a little older, and I know that it will probably make you sad. You may have doubts and fears, but I want you to know that Dad and I are 100 percent your “real” family and that we would do anything for you. I also want you to know that you can talk to me about all or any of this at any time and I hope you will always feel like you can be completely honest with me. My feelings won’t be hurt if you need to cry. I will cry with you. Your first mother chose us to be your parents because she loved you so much. She knew that the three of us would make one happy family, and she was right. She is a strong, courageous woman and will always have a special place in our hearts.

We may be different in some ways, but we are the same in so many other ways. Like the fact that you and I are both Aries–our birthdays are only one week apart! I’m already noticing the similarities in our personalities. You’ll see – we’re a lot alike, buddy. You’re a lot like Daddy, too. Our hearts match and that is the important thing. We were brought together by love and devotion instead of blood and biology, and the way I see it, that’s even more special. We were brought together by something bigger, and you are, and always will be, a Ferguson through-and-through. You are the very heart of our little family. You have brought us joy beyond measure, and I count my blessings every day.

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I have so many hopes and dreams for you, but the greatest is that you will be happy and always know how much you are loved. Your smile can move mountains and you can do anything, and be anything, you set your mind to (like that walking thing you’ve almost mastered). Your Dad and I will be here for you every step of the way–when you fall down, when you get up, when you fail, when you succeed, when your heart breaks, and when it soars. Happy birthday, my sweetest thing. Here’s to a hundred more.

I love you more than I ever thought possible.

xoxoxo,

NaNaNa

p.s. eat your peas!