Category: Adoptive Parenting

5 Abilities Every Adoptive Parent Needs

On By alliegardnerIn Adoptive Parenting4 Comments

2015-12-04 11.09.00-1First and foremost, adoptive parents are parents. We have the same challenges (please don’t take your pants off in the grocery store!) and worries (the doctor said he shouldn’t be drinking out of a bottle anymore; why won’t he use a sippy cup) as any other parent out there. But, we also have additional challenges and worries that rise above those of biological families (how do I make sure he has a strong racial identity, how will he feel on “family tree” day at school, etc).

If you’re in the process of adopting or have adopted, you are the kind of person who can handle these things because you are the kind of person who takes care of business. You’ve never met a a brick wall thick enough to stop you from finding a way through or around it. I know you–you are determined and resourceful, which is good because you need to be those things, and more.

Here are 5 (more) abilities you’ll need on your journey as an adoptive parent:

Empathy. If nothing else, you’re going to need the ability to be aware of and share the feelings of other people, especially your child and his birth family. The phrase “put yourself in her/his shoes” should be running on repeat in your head at all times. Empathy will help you treat your child’s birth family with love and respect and will help you relate to your son or daughter and share in his or her grief. It is essential to let your child know that it’s OK to feel sad and that you feel it, too. Gaining an understanding of what they are going through is crucial.

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Humility. When you adopt, everything becomes about your child. There is no room for selfishness or self-centeredness in adoption. Adoptive parents do what is best for their children and not for themselves; their feelings take a backseat.  This might not always be the most comfortable thing, but that doesn’t matter. Doing the best thing for the children–whether that be working hard to have relationships with birth families or being the minority so a child can be in the majority–is the most important thing.

Strength. As an adoptive parent, you will probably hear things from time to time that might make a weaker person feel bad. You may feel like an outsider at times, when every other family is biological or people are talking about their children looking just like them or someone says something ignorant about adoption. You may be criticized for adopting outside of your race or for adopting at all. Having a thick skin, so to speak, will keep you from getting too easily bruised. Because, really, who cares what other people think? By all means, educate people and stand up for yourself and your child when necessary, but letting negativity roll off your back gives YOU the power.

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Optimism. Life is short and full of so many good things–your adoptive family is definitely one of them. There is, however, some negativity associated with adoption in various circles. We’ve all heard the adoption horror stories and read the scary articles. We must educate ourselves about the real issues that our children will face as they grow, but remember that our children are their own people and not studies or statistics. While attitude may not really be everything, it’s definitely high on the list of what defines us. Happy people are simply people who make the choice to be happy. Optimism has many advantages, from lowering stress to helping you meet goals, achieve your dreams, live longer–and be a better parent.

A Sense of Humor. Sometimes the best thing to do is to laugh about it. Laughter is one of the most fun and effective ways to bond with your child and as a family. It’s also a great release when things get too tense or serious… or when your kid takes his pants off in the grocery store. Again.

 

A White Mother Explains What It’s Like to Raise Black Boys

On By alliegardnerIn Adoptive Parenting2 Comments

Kristen Howerton, a woman in a transracial adoption support group I belong to on Facebook, was recently interviewed by Yahoo! Parenting about what it’s like to be the white mother of two black boys (she has two biological daughters as well). This wonderful article + video was the result of that interview.

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I relate to so much of what she said. Her boys are older than Miles–age 10 and 6–but reading her words reinforced for me the complicated issues we will have to deal with as Miles gets older (and bigger). Unfortunately, young black boys are forced to grow up faster than other children because they tend to be taller and look older than white kids their age–and this makes society sometimes view them with racial bias and as dangerous. Not at all fair, but unfortunately reality. Her oldest isn’t even a teenager yet, but Kristen says in the article that she is already having to take precautions that white parent’s don’t:

“How her sons are viewed by strangers, for instance, recently become an issue. “They’re perceived as older, and research shows that to be true,” she says. “They are perceived as more threatening than their white counterpoints. And that’s a steep learning curve [for us] because you’d like to think that society is better than it is on this issue.” If her sons go to a playground, she notes, “There’s this sort of ‘Where are the parents?’ feeling that I don’t feel like is the same for my girls. And I’m always very on alert and making sure that any interaction with them from another adult is on par with what’s appropriate for their age.” Then, at home, the family talks about her sons’ race and their height. She says she tells the boys, “‘People are going to have different expectations of you, because you are 10 and look like a teenager.’ These are conversations that we have a lot.””

I really like what she says below about having the talk about discrimination be an ongoing conversation:

“Kristen doesn’t shy away from the reality of discrimination. Talking with her sons about it, she says, is “kind of like having the sex conversation, in that it shouldn’t be one conversation. It should be an ongoing conversation about things as they are developmentally appropriate.” Regardless of skin tone, “everyone is nervous about having these conversations with their black sons,” she adds. “It’s a heavy weight for everyone. Is there a pit in my stomach about those conversations? Absolutely. There’s a weight and a sadness to it, but I think it absolutely has to happen at the same time, because that’s how I prepare them to negotiate the world that they live in.””

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I’ve been thinking a lot about how to approach this with Miles when he’s older. It’s not going to be easy, the first time I tell him that people will look at him differently because his skin is brown. I hate that I will have to tell him that at all. But I absolutely must. He needs to know about racial bias from me and his Dad before he encounters it out in the world and is surprised. We need to prepare him for it, just like black parents would do.

At 19 months, I tell him every day how beautiful I think he is and how much I love his brown skin and curly hair. His favorite book right now is Chocolate Me by Taye Diggs, which is all about how special and wonderful and beautiful “chocolate” skin is. I don’t know if he notices that the main character looks like him yet, but I think he might. We read kids’ books that feature black characters like Spike Lee’s Please, Puppy, Please all the time. It’s not much, but these are simple things that I can do (in addition to building a community of color) while he’s still very young that I hope will help lay the foundation for confidence and pride in his blackness.

Kristen says it best in the article: “My job for 18 years is to just pour into them and give them every resource that I can so they can mitigate this and be the best person they can be.” 

Watch the video if you get a chance. It’s worth the time.

Photo credits: Yahoo! Parenting

 

Best Friends of the Furry Kind

On By alliegardnerIn Adoptive Parenting, Everyday Life4 Comments

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He’s not even two years old yet, but Miles already has two best friends: our old English lab and our middle-aged mutt, his constant companions.  They have both adored him from the start. Now that he’s running around, he plays ball with the lab, (which is hilarious) chases the mutt, and snuggles up with (or sits on) them all the time. He makes sure they eat pretty good these days, too, dutifully sharing both his favorite snacks and his least favorite vegetables.

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Our dogs have been a part of Miles’ life ever since the day he was born. When we drove from Virginia to Texas after getting the call that Miles’ birthmother was in labor, we packed up the car and brought the dogs because we had no idea when we’d be back (and we only had one day notice that we were about to have a baby!). So they knew him right from the start and immediately went into protector mode.

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We ended up being in Texas for an entire month, and were very happy to have the dogs with us on the most important trip of our lives (after all, they were our babies first). When we were feeling stressed over ICPC or the frustrating Texan adoption agency we had to work with, we would look at sweet, sleeping Miles, and then pet the dogs. When we had no idea if we were ever going to be able to go home, I would put Miles in a baby carrier and walk the dogs. We both remarked several times on that trip how glad we were that they were there (even if they added an extra layer of complexity to the situation).

I love that I have photos like the one below when Miles was four days old and we were living in a hotel room (was that ever an adventure) and then from the porch of the sweet little house we rented on AirBnB for three weeks.

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Having a pet has been proven to be great for your health by lowering anxiety and stress levels. Dogs are there for you always, whenever you need them, absolutely unconditionally. Even though they are not humans, their company makes us feel less alone. If you’ve ever wrestled with a stressful, sad, scary, depressing situation, you know how isolating it can sometimes be. Dogs are soft and furry, which in addition to getting hair all over your couch and black pants, also provides comfort that’s hard to beat. To simply pet a dog or cat is to lower your blood pressure as much as lowering your sodium intake.

Look, see — Miles doesn’t appear stressed at all, does he?

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In the same way that I want to equip him with a love of nature and the outdoors to help him when he struggles, I also want him to equip him with a love for animals.

Having a dog has helped me through so many hard times in my life. My dogs have been on the receiving end of my tears too many times to count and have never once backed away from offering a furry shoulder to cry on.

When Miles is going through his teenage years, and in young adolescence when he tries to make sense of his adoption and racial identity, I want his dog to be sitting next to him. I want him to be able to pet that dog and calm himself and know that that dog is his–his best, most loyal friend, his companion, his protector. When he feels that there is no one in this world who understands him, I want his dog to lick his face and beg him to play ball or go for a walk. I want the responsibility of caring for a dog to bring him back to reality if he ever starts to spiral into darkness.


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This is something that Miles’ birthmother also wanted for him. Our dogs were one of the reasons that she chose us to be his family. She never had the chance to have a dog, but she said that she thought every little kid should–and she loved the thought that he would have two.

I’m pretty sure that he would agree with that wholeheartedly.

 

 

 

Nature Heals: Why I want my adopted son to be outdoorsy

On By alliegardnerIn Adoptive Parenting4 Comments


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Miles loves to be outside. When he was a teeny tiny thing and crying for one reason or another, I could always take him outside on the porch at our old house to calm him down. One look up at the trees surrounding our yard and he would quiet right down and go to sleep. Even now, if he’s restless, agitated, or upset, a trip out to the yard is just the thing to turn his day (and mine) right around.

We’ve planted the seeds early for a life-long love affair with nature and the outdoors by taking him hiking ever since he was big enough to fit in the backpack. This weekend, he was able to take a substantial hike for the first time on his own two legs. I was amazed at how far he got — he walked more than a mile, smiling and laughing as he stepped over logs, picked up sticks, and kicked fallen leaves. He absolutely loved it and I’m psyched to have a new hiking partner that I don’t have to carry the whole way (I’m also psyched that he slept for three hours afterwards).

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Nature has always been my antidote; there is nothing like a walk in the woods to cure me of everything from anxiety to stress and even loneliness and depression. The Great Outdoors has been proven–with actual research--to lower blood pressure, decrease stress hormones, and act as an anti-depressant on the brain, boosting serotonin and other feel-good hormones. Being outside, surrounded by trees and grass and feeling the wind and sun on your face is just plain good for you.

Being in the forest, whether I’m walking, running, horseback riding or just sitting under a tree–calms my mind and reminds me that I am connected to something much bigger than myself. Being outside, and especially in the woods, is an escape from all the noise. Surrounded by nature, I can breathe. Fresh air, trees, and wildlife fill me with love and gratitude and remind me what it means to be alive.

I believe that it’s especially important for children (and adults) who have heavy things like adoption on their hearts and minds to seek connection with nature. I know that as an adoptee, especially a transracial adoptee, Miles will undoubtedly experience confusion and sadness related to adoption that I won’t be able to resolve for him. So it’s important for me to equip and empower him with the one thing that never fails to lift my spirits: a deep and lasting love of Mother Nature.

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When his adoption causes him to wonder who he is and where he belongs in this world, I hope that he will always find comfort in going to the woods. I hope that spending time in nature fills him with a childlike wonder like it does me, and reminds him that that everyone and everything is connected. I hope the sounds of the birds and the wind rustling through the trees will dull any sadness he feels and give him the confidence to soldier on through even the darkest of days. Because no matter what else is going on, the natural world is always a magical place–and he belongs to it just like it belongs to him.

p.s. I believe in the power of the outdoors so much that my day job is all about connecting people to nature. A few months ago, I interviewed Dr. Scott Sampson (from PBS’ Dinosaur Train) about his new book, How to Raise a Wild Child: The Art and Science of Falling in Love with Nature for The Trust for Public Land’s blog. If you have kids, this book is a great read and has cool ideas on ways to nurture a love of nature in your children–whether you live in the city or the country. Little known fact: Dr. Scott and his wife adopted a child, too.

 

 

 

 

 

My Adopted Son is My Real Kid

On By alliegardnerIn Adoptive Parenting8 Comments

After thinking about this for what feels like forever, I’ve decided to change the name of the blog from Adopting Charlie to My Real Kid. This new name feels more fitting for a couple of  reasons, not the least of which is that we ended up naming our son Miles and not Charlie. And also because even though our family was formed through adoption, he IS my real kid.

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When you adopt a child that doesn’t share your skin tone, everyone wants to know the details. Everywhere we go, we are the center of attention. People are curious, and I’m fine with that. Ask anyone who knows me; I’ve never shied away from being the center of attention. I’m a total ham. So, I’ve never been bothered by the stares that we receive because they are usually accompanied by smiles. I always answer questions that people ask. “Where was he born?” is one that I hear constantly, and everyone is always surprised when I say Texas. Not a big deal–happens all the time.

But once and awhile someone will ask me a question like: “Do you have any “real” kids at home?” or “Where is his “real” mom?”

This happened the other day in the checkout line at the grocery store. The cashier was well-meaning (people usually are) but totally clueless. She kept using the term “real” even after I corrected her with: “No, I don’t have any biological children. Is that what you mean by real?”

I understand what she means by “real” and it doesn’t make me feel bad. I wouldn’t mind if it was just me that she was talking to, but now that Miles is almost 19 months old, he understands everything we say. He’s starting to answer questions and follow directions and it won’t be long before someone implying that he isn’t “real” is going to hurt his feelings.

I don’t want to answer questions from strangers about his birth family in front of him or why his birth mother decided that adoption was the best thing for him. And I don’t want to have to defend the fact that he is quote-unquote real. Imagine how that would make you feel if you were a little kid? (Not to mention the fact that he is 100% my real kid. I’ve changed just about each and every one of his diapers since the day he was born. I sit up with him at night when he’s cutting teeth. He runs to me when he gets hurt or scared. He makes me carry him (the entire time) while I vacuum. Trust me, this is as real as it gets.)

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So now when the cashier at the grocery store asks me if I have any “real kids” at home, I’ll just tell her to read all about it on my website… MyRealKid.com. That should shut her up! 🙂

Anyway, I hope you will continue to read as I navigate the next part of my journey as a transracial adoptive mom (and maybe another adoption soon!). I learn something new almost every day about what it means to be a parent and especially the adoptive mother of a Black son. Although, full disclosure: most of the time I have no idea what I’m doing and am totally winging it–aren’t we all?

Cheers, and thank you so much for reading!

p.s. AdoptingCharlie.com will redirect to MyRealKid.com so hopefully people will have no problem finding the site with its new name. MyRealKid will house the entire archive of Adopting Charlie posts–just consider it a facelift. I’m not entirely sure what will happen if you follow the blog, so it would be great if you would hit follow blog button again to be sure you get updates.

 

 

Adoptive Parenting: Matching genes not required

On By alliegardnerIn Adoptive Parenting13 Comments

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A few months ago, I listened to a friend tell another friend who is pregnant that there’s nothing like becoming a mother. “You’re making a tiny copy of yourself,” she said. “He’s going to have your DNA and be your own little mini-me. It’s amazing.”

I just smiled and nodded and took a sip of wine. “That is cool, but it’s equally as amazing if they don’t look like you,” I said. “Becoming a parent fills your heart with a love so true and pure that it absolutely rocks your world.”

To me, that love is what parenthood is all about–that selfless, do-anything-for-you type of love that one only feels for their children. I felt it the very first time I saw my son–this newborn baby who looked nothing like me, who I didn’t carry in my belly, who doesn’t share my genes. My love for him was not conditional upon biology. It simply didn’t matter.

I get it–I understand the primal urge to pass on your genes and to procreate with your partner. I felt it and grieved it. But that is a distant memory now. That wound, that pain, has long since healed. And I can tell you that there is no possible way that I could love my son any more–even if I had given birth to him. The moment I laid eyes on my child, I became his mother, unconditionally and with my whole heart.

Once and awhile someone will ask me if I still want to have a “child of my own.” I tell them that I already do have a child of my own and that no, I do not feel any need or desire to have a biological child. And I mean it, 100%. But some people have a hard time imagining that I could not possibly want a baby that is “biologically part me and part my husband.”

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The thing that people don’t realize is that my son is absolutely part me and part my husband. We are the ones who nurture him daily, we are the ones teaching him how to be in the world, how to act, how to love, how to treat other people. He doesn’t look like us or share our skin color, but everything he knows about the world he gets from us. We are his parents, his role-models, his family. Simple as that.

I even felt this way before Miles was born, after we started the adoption process. I worried that if I became pregnant that we wouldn’t be able to adopt. Once we made the decision that adoption was the way that we would create our family, I never looked back. It felt right and it felt good–in a way that trying to get pregnant never had. I put down the pain and disappointment of endless negative pregnancy tests and picked up the joy and hope of adoption and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

To me, motherhood has nothing to do with sharing the same eyes as your child. Becoming a mother (or a father) is about so much more than that. It’s about truly unconditional love, always putting your child before yourself, and just plain being there to raise, hug, comfort, encourage, nurture, and adore him or her no matter what.

And that is more than enough for me.

A letter to my (adopted) son on his first birthday

On By alliegardnerIn Adoptive Parenting13 Comments

It’s so hard to believe that you are already one year old. It feels like just yesterday you and I were wheeled out of the hospital together. You were so small and I was so blissfully happy to finally have met you. Time has flown by the past 365 days, even as I wished for it to slow down. You have brought such incredible joy to our lives during your first revolution around the sun. Being your mama is an honor and a privilege and I hope that I can always do right by you.

One thing’s for sure: I will spend the rest of my life trying.

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Now that you are a toddler, your personality is really beginning to shine. You are funny and sweet and brave and determined. You make people smile everywhere we go. I cannot tell you how many lives you have touched. Even on a simple trip to the grocery store, you melt hearts, lift spirits, and give freely little blessings of happiness and laughter. Making Daddy (Daaaaaaaa) laugh is your favorite thing to do, along with growling and panting like the doggies, vacuuming on Mommy’s hip, taking clothes in and out of the washing machine (yes, you once LOVED to do chores), and crawling around in that adorably cute hybrid walk-crawl thing you do. You love to be outside. I mean, love it. You could watch the leaves blow in the breeze all day and be perfectly content. You are also smitten with books and cannot get enough of them. Your favorite book is called My Love for You. (pssst…it’s mine, too.) Every time you see that book you light up like a Christmas tree. It can pull you out of the crankiest of moods.

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You and I just love spending time together–we savor our long walks in the park with your doggies, Gracie & Taylor, and love hanging out on the back porch and in the yard listening to the birds and the horses next door. You are fascinated with birds and point at every single one that flies by. When you need me, you yell “NaNaNa!” at the top of your lungs. That’s what you call me, and it’s music to my ears. Every morning, you spend an hour (sometimes two when you get up really early) playing with Daddy before he goes to work and I suspect that this is the highlight of his day. I believe it may be yours, too. The love between you two is something to behold. The love between the three of us is a force to be reckoned with.

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You only had two teeth when you turned one–both on the bottom–but there is one on the top that is starting to poke through (ouch) and you are already (pretty) good at chewing food. Your favorite food is fruit–cantaloupe, pineapple, and watermelon–and we just discovered that you love chicken noodle soup like Mama, and ham and cheese like Dad. You refuse to eat peas, but most other things are fair game. It’s so fun watching you get better at picking up food with your sweet little fingers and trying to use a spoon. You try so hard at everything you do and eating is no exception. I have no doubt that you’ll be wielding your own utensils soon.

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You don’t realize that our skin doesn’t match yet, but I know you probably will soon. And even though we have been together from the moment you were born, you had another family first, before you came into the world. I will tell you all about your adoption when you’re a little older, and I know that it will probably make you sad. You may have doubts and fears, but I want you to know that Dad and I are 100 percent your “real” family and that we would do anything for you. I also want you to know that you can talk to me about all or any of this at any time and I hope you will always feel like you can be completely honest with me. My feelings won’t be hurt if you need to cry. I will cry with you. Your first mother chose us to be your parents because she loved you so much. She knew that the three of us would make one happy family, and she was right. She is a strong, courageous woman and will always have a special place in our hearts.

We may be different in some ways, but we are the same in so many other ways. Like the fact that you and I are both Aries–our birthdays are only one week apart! I’m already noticing the similarities in our personalities. You’ll see – we’re a lot alike, buddy. You’re a lot like Daddy, too. Our hearts match and that is the important thing. We were brought together by love and devotion instead of blood and biology, and the way I see it, that’s even more special. We were brought together by something bigger, and you are, and always will be, a Ferguson through-and-through. You are the very heart of our little family. You have brought us joy beyond measure, and I count my blessings every day.

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I have so many hopes and dreams for you, but the greatest is that you will be happy and always know how much you are loved. Your smile can move mountains and you can do anything, and be anything, you set your mind to (like that walking thing you’ve almost mastered). Your Dad and I will be here for you every step of the way–when you fall down, when you get up, when you fail, when you succeed, when your heart breaks, and when it soars. Happy birthday, my sweetest thing. Here’s to a hundred more.

I love you more than I ever thought possible.

xoxoxo,

NaNaNa

p.s. eat your peas!