5 Ways My White Friends & Family Can be Allies for my Black Son

My family is different–and I love that. Having a child of color has enriched my life and expanded my emotional intelligence in so many ways. But as the mother of a Black son, racism is on my mind nearly every day now. I have learned so much about it and I want to share some of that with you on this blog because I know how much you all care about Miles, too.

Here are 5 ways that you can be an ally, not only for Miles, but for all kids of color:

1. Don’t pretend to be colorblind. You can say that Miles is black. (You don’t have to say African-American, although that’s OK to say, as is person of color or kid of color.) Black is not a 4-letter word. It’s his race. I’m proud of it and it is absolutely crucial that he is, too. I don’t want him to think that it’s something that he should be ashamed of. Instead, celebrate his Blackness with me. He’s a perfect, cuddly, beautiful Black baby boy and I couldn’t be prouder of that fact.

2. If I bring up racism or white privilege, please have the courage to talk with me about it. This is my life now. I know that talking about race is uncomfortable for you–it was uncomfortable for me at first, too. But my child–and every Black child in this country–needs white advocates who aren’t afraid to learn about and talk about racism because, unfortunately, it is still exists. Trust me when I tell you that it definitely does. By acknowledging it, maybe we can create change.

3. Your white children will have privileges and be able to do things that my son won’t be able to do. This is the unfortunate reality of every Black parent in the country and now it is mine as well. And it just plain sucks. When you’re teaching your son to assert his rights when questioned by a police officer, I will have to tell mine to put his hands up and eyes down and try not to get shot. I’m going to have to teach him things–really sad, awful things–about the world that you will not have to teach your child, and when he’s a teenager I may just go absolutely insane with worry every time he leaves the house. Tell me that you get it and that it’s not fair. Help me think of ways to make it better.


4. I can’t tell you how much I would appreciate you being intentional about teaching your children and/or grandchildren, nieces, or nephews that other races are just as beautiful and worthy and strong as ours. I think white parents sometimes forget to do that or don’t know how to go about it. But kids start to notice racial differences at a pretty young age and as parents, we have the ability to shape how they feel about those differences. Expose them to diversity in culture, books, toys, entertainment and look for opportunities to show them heroes and great men and women of color so they know that strong, good people come in every color and not just white. Something this simple can help shape our children into loving and empathetic adults.

5. Use your privilege to push for diversity (both in student bodies and in teaching staff) and equality for kids of color at your children’s school. As a white parent, you have a lot of power. Stand up and say something if you see racism happening. Ask the school to recruit more Black teachers. Black children historically have a really tough time in school because of systemic racism. This article from The Washington Post talks about how racism is pushing more Black parents to homeschool their kids. I’m actually considering homeschooling Miles–not at our home (I’d screw him up for sure!) but in a homeschool community coop for kids of color where there is an actual, accredited teacher in charge and I can be sure that he will be treated with respect and surrounded by children and teachers that look like him.


Thank you for reading, for going on this journey with me, and for all of your love and support!

8 thoughts on “5 Ways My White Friends & Family Can be Allies for my Black Son

  1. This is a great post! We are a trans-racial family as well and honestly, I guess I’ve been living in denial because I never really thought of some of the struggles our son might have. Thanks for opening my eyes.

    Also, I’m considering using WordPress for my blog and I was wondering how you were able to get so many readers/followers. Any advice would be helpful.

    1. Thanks, Rohit! I have learned so much about race and racism that I had never thought about before because I never had to deal with it personally. But my eyes have been opened so much since having Miles and I hope I can shine a light on it for other people. My hope is that if white people can start learning and caring about the struggles of people of color that we can come together to make positive change.

      As for the blog, I would definitely use WordPress. Right now, I’m hosting the site through WordPress.com though I may choose another hosting platform down the road. I don’t really know how people found it – I didn’t do anything, really, to get it out there. People found it mostly through search. When I first started writing, it was a way to let my family into what I was experiencing and then people that were also going through the adoption process started to find it. I’m not 100% sure how!

  2. Rhonda

    I love this, especially #1. We have written in our Dear Birthmother letter that “We believe in celebrating all the colors and cultures around us, instead of acting “color blind” and pretending we are all the same.” Our adoption counsellor expressed interest in that statement; I couldn’t tell if she thought it was good or bad, but I don’t think she’d ever heard it before!

    Neither my husband or I have any Black people in our families, but we do have Chinese (my niece), Aboriginal/El Salvadorian (my husband’s brother), and Metis (my brother’s wife), all who became part of our families through adoption. We are very curious to see what race our future child will be, as we are open to anything!

  3. I love this post! I am doing open adoption with amazing couple who happens to be white. Looking at this makes me reassuring of them and how much they are trying to understand black culture and things they should do with their soon to be daughter. Even though my daughter will be half black and half white she will still face a lot of challenges in life

    1. Thank you, Elexus! That’s so good to hear. It sounds like you have chosen a wonderful family and that they understand how important it is to celebrate your daughter’s culture. Best of luck to you!

  4. Pingback: Why I cried when my son got into our Grade R school of choice | Heart Mama Blog

  5. Pingback: Election 2016: Concrete steps that Americans who care about social justice can take during the Trump administration — Quartz

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