Thankful That I Couldn’t Have a Biological Child

photo-117Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, and not just because I get to stuff my face with turkey and gravy and potatoes and pie (although that is definitely awesome). I love how the day always makes me think about what I’m most thankful for. I didn’t say this out loud at dinner–it’s not your typical toast–but I am truly and deeply grateful for my inability to have a biological child.

Had I had an easy time getting pregnant, I would never have met my son. I would be missing out on so much right now. I am sure I would have loved a biological child, but I would not have MY child. This child, this beautiful boy right here. This little boy who I am more in love with than anything else on the entire planet and in the whole history of the world.


If I had gotten a positive pregnancy test, I would have a normal family that blended in with the crowd and a child who looked like me. I would not have this beautiful, colorful, diverse family that may not look alike but who loves each other just the same. I would not have the compassion, understanding, wisdom, community, and love that I have gained through adopting a child of another race.

I would have love, but I would not have his love. My heart would be bigger, but it would not be this big. I would be happy, but I would not be this happy.

I would be thankful, but I would not be this thankful.


My life was forever changed when my son entered it. I’m grateful that I understand so much more than I ever did about race and what it feels like to be ‘othered’ by society. I am thankful that my eyes have been opened and my thoughts and feelings have expanded and grown and multiplied in ways that I never dreamed of. When Miles was born, I did not just get a child, I got a whole new perspective on life and what it means to be a human being. I am truly a better person because of him.

I am thankful every day for the presence of my beautiful black boy with his dark chocolate skin, deep brown eyes, and contagious spirit. I love learning about his rich heritage and figuring out ways to include it in our daily lives. I love how intentional I have to be every day. I love the smell of his soft hair after I rub coconut oil in it and how the odd curl refuses to be tamed. He makes me laugh a million times a day and I cannot imagine a life without him in it.


I wish I had been able to tell myself this when I was trying to get pregnant: that my biggest heartbreak would soon turn into my greatest joy. And that I would be eternally grateful for the gift of infertility, no matter how much it hurt at the time.


14 thoughts on “Thankful That I Couldn’t Have a Biological Child

  1. I am always happy to read your blog and as your mom, I have the privilege of visualizing and feeling the giddiness and happiness that Miles brings to both you and Jamie and the “girls”, of course. I am truly grateful every day that Miles “found” you all. Hugs and kisses.

  2. Michele

    Allie Iam floored by you and hope I could be half the mom you are someday! I am dying to meet Miles! When are you coming to Rochester ? Love you

    1. Hi Michele!! Thank you so much. You’re an amazing mother!! Loved the turkey pic that Steve posted on Facebook the other day. So good to see your face. I miss you!! I will definitely be there for our reunion (can you believe that next year is 15 years OMG!!).

  3. I totally get what you are saying about him being YOUR child. Isn’t is amazing how Miles just “fits” so perfectly with you like the last piece of a jigsaw puzzle? I think about that often with our son.

  4. Amazing perspective on how our children open up new worlds to us – and new room in our hearts. I’ve had the privilege of a similar experience via adoption, as well as through having an autistic biological son. Parenting my unique children has made me into an advocate for diversity and inclusion and justice more than ever before. Plus i just love them TOO. MUCH.
    Thanks for the sweet post.

  5. Brittany

    Beautifully written and well said. I, too, am an adoptive mom across racial lines and I absolutely love it. I love seeing people’s reactions To our family because we become a witness right then and there to just how amazing God’s love and grace actually is.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s