We got our 5th monthly agency update last week. Unfortunately, the agency ran out of our profiles last month and we didn’t get notified right away so we were only shown to potential birthmothers during the last week of February.
During that last week, we were presented to 7 women. One chose us as her third choice and the others had not chosen yet as of last week. This is the second time we have been chosen as someone’s third choice. That gives me hope and is exciting, but I’m really ready to be someone’s first choice.
This is probably typical of the roller coaster that is adoption–but I have been moving between feeling like it will happen any day to feeling like it is never going to happen.
We’re now officially in our 6th month of waiting–the agency’s quoted average wait time for a match. I’m trying my best to not over think it and wonder why we haven’t been chosen yet, but, honestly, it’s a little hard not to. Is it because we don’t seem like we’d be good parents? Is it because we have two dogs? Is it because I work? Is it because our current house is small? Is it because our profile is home made? Is it our profile picture? Is it because we aren’t enormously wealthy?
I know it’s a waste of time to wonder about these things, so I will try not to. I’ll just carry on, stay busy, and keep hoping for that phone call.
My Real Kid: life as a transracial adoptive mom 
Sorry you’re still waiting….I’m hoping that your wait will end soon! You guys are going to be awesome parents, don’t let those “what if’s” sneak into your head and mess everything up. Just try and be positive. Not too much longer now!!
Thanks, Jen! I hope you’re right.
I’m sure it’s impossible not to wonder why, I often wonder, “where is our baby right now?” Like, has s/he been conceived yet? Growing in a belly? Wondering is so hard. You’re doing a great job being patient. 🙂
I do that, too! I’m a terrible wonderer…
Right there with you. Maybe the warm spring weather will help you guys as it’s helped us – getting outside and doing the stuff we love helps keeps our minds (a little more) occupied.
Getting outside definitely does help—as does sunshine and warmth! Most days I’m fine but everyone once and awhile…
Stay positive Allie! Have faith! You will be wonderful parents!
Thanks, Aunt Sally!
Ditto! This wait is TORTURE! Totally have my positive ‘its all good” days but then i start to doubt the process and wonder if its ever going to happen…like somehow we missed our chance and the last baby ever available in the world was taken! . We just got our 5th update and i think its that email that triggers the “what the heck is going on?” response in me. My husband doesn’t seem too worried but i can’t help by think its us..or our profile turning off potential birthmothers for some reason. Its a roller coaster of emotions for sure!
oh and i’m “staying busy” too…but for me it is impossible not to wonder and think about it! This is a BIG deal, a life changer, that it is always on my mind. Just trying to keep those positive thoughts of faith and patience on the forefront of my brain 🙂
You and your husband sound just like me and mine, Hali… he is totally fine with the wait. No big deal. Me, on the other hand… definitely on a bit of a roller coaster ride. I think you’re right that it is the email that triggers it. I mean, I like getting the update so I know there is something going on but it’s kind of like, hey, look at all of the people that didn’t choose you. And then I automatically wonder why the heck not? 🙂 Just have to keep a sense of humor about it all I guess. I hope it happens for you soon!
Ya you guys sound like your dealing with the whole process (even from the very start) very similar to us! I try to keep it all in perspective and laugh about the craziness of it all, but i certainly have my bad days. I have a love/hate relationship with that update e-mail tho..i get really excited seeing it in my inbox but once i look at it i feel so bummed out seeing all those potential birthmothers placed with probably wonderful adoptive parents…but not us. I even picture the whole scene play out for them..traveling to the womens home states that month…North Carolina, Texas, Wisconsin, to start the journey of growing their family, and think “that could of been us”! I have a day of doubt and feeling sorry for us but the next day i feel much better and think “maybe this month is the month”! I guess that’s all we can do is stay hopeful and try to imagine that the right baby for our families is out there somewhere with its little arms just reaching out to us and we will find them in time.
Ha, me too. One day I feel like it will never happen. The next, I’m feeling patient and calm about it. Ah, it’s enough to make you crazy. 🙂
Do you ever go to the agencies web site page “choose a family” to see how many new people have signed up? It is an addiction i’m trying to quit because i see our profile picture sliding farther and farther down the page and its so discouraging!! Its hard not to think “wait a sec.there are SOO many perfect people here who would be great parents, what really are our chances of being picked?? i feel like they are getting slimmer everyday but again my steady eddy husband reassures me that “the numbers” the agency gave us make sense and are correct so it will happen for us like they said. I know i shouldn’t look and torture myself or think that way but its tough not to! Ok that’s enough secrete obsession confessions for today!
I know what you mean – I go there often and we are sliding down the list. But that’s a good thing because only the people towards the bottom seem to get picked. Or at least that’s how I’m trying to think about it! But yeah, everyone on there seems like they would be amazing parents. You are among them, though, and it will happen!
It’s crazy how much I can relate. All of your questions are valid for you to have, but don’t really matter. I too had those questions. We made our own profile, have a dog, live in a 900 sqft condo and are not enormously wealthy. From my experiences so far talking with birth mom’s, they want real people like you and me. Hang in there! It’s not easy, but it’s worth it 🙂
Thanks, Michelle. It will be so worth it!! Good luck to you!
My husband and I are the same way – he’s all chill and I’m back and forth, up and down between We’ll NEVER get matched!!!!!!!!! crying to Meh, whatever happens, happens (usually lasting for about 2 seconds) and then back to TODAY is going to be THE day!!! lol. Good to know I’m not alone! I find it interesting that your agencies give monthly updates. Our agency doesn’t want us contacting them all the time so we’re only supposed to contact them about once every 6 months. And then yearly we meet with them and they give us an update and we can make changes to our profile. Our agency’s estimated wait time is 2 years, and we are currently at 10 months, so we’re almost at the 1 year update! At the 6 month point when I contacted them we had not yet been shown to any potential birthparents but that is normal for having only waited 6 months – crazy how different our agencies are, eh?! We don’t even get notified until a birthmother wants to actually meet us – meaning the first time we hear anything at all, it’s almost a guaranteed match (unless of course she changes her mind).
You are definitely not alone! My emotions about the whole thing can change 50 times a day. Definitely a roller coaster. Our agencies sounds pretty different, but it’s great that you are halfway there! I hope it happens for you soon!!
I’m so glad I found your blog! My husband and I are a month and a half in to waiting for a birthmother to chose us. Thankfully, the holidays have made this time go by really quickly! We are trying to enjoy this time, but eagerly anticipating a match. I was wondering if you had any qualms about blogging as you waited. We don’t currently have a blog, but we’ve thought about starting one. My biggest fear is that if our wait continues for longer than we’d like, that blogging would be difficult…you know, “Month 15 update” or something like that 🙂 On the other hand, I’d love to have a record of our feelings during this time for Baby Bez (which of course we could do offline too). I’m the private one (too private, probably!) and my husband loves the spotlight so we are trying to figure out what would be the best balance for us and what will be best for Baby Bez when he or she is here! Any advice, thoughts, concerns, etc would be appreciated!
Thank you so much for your comment! And congratulations on your decision to adopt. Such an exciting time for you! I would say that I am very glad that I started this blog at the beginning of our process for a couple of reasons. It was originally meant to be a way to keep family and friends updated and involved and to give them some insight into what we were going through. I think my family felt much more “in” on the adoption because of the blog, and it gave them a way to feel like they were a part of it. We received so much support from them. I know we would have anyway, but I think having the blog made them feel a lot closer and conveyed feelings and thoughts to them that they wouldn’t have been privy to otherwise. And that has been really special. The blog is also a record of the way our thoughts and feelings evolved during the adoption process (which is really nice, because my memory of the wait is already fading). And, even though I didn’t intend for it to be read by people outside my circle, it has been and I’ve been able to “meet” other people like you, who are going through the same thing. That has been an unexpected surprise. It’s not like any of my friends were going through this when we were, so it was really nice to connect with others in similar situations.
Having said that, I’ve been struggling lately with whether or not I want to continue writing this particular blog. I don’t want to share too much about my son, or his life, because I just don’t know if that story is really mine to share. I’ve seen some adopted children complain about that, and so I don’t want to do anything that would make him feel uncomfortable down the road. It’s tricky.
It’s really what the two of you are comfortable with. You could always make your blog invite-only and just share with friends and family. The best of luck to you – adoption is so very special. Enjoy the journey!