Author: alliegardner

A Baby Shower for Charlie!

On By alliegardnerIn Our Adoption Story6 Comments

Some of you know that Jamie and I are relatively new to Charlottesville. We’ve been here for a little more than a year now, and are starting to settle in. Of all of the places we’ve moved to, Charlottesville has been the easiest place to make friends. People are so warm and welcoming here. I think the fact that it’s a small town helps. Everyone is just so nice. We have friends that we see on a fairly regular basis, we play on a co-ed softball team, and it feels like we’ve built a a nice little social circle.

Because our friends here are all so new, we hadn’t yet shared the news that we are adopting with them. Partly because, well, there really isn’t any news to share yet. And also because it feels like we’re still in the “first trimester” of our adoption, if that makes any sense. Actually bringing our baby home still feels very far away and it seems like only the people closest to us should know in case something goes terribly wrong.

But I felt comfortable enough to tell a couple of the girls recently and was so glad I did. They are really excited, and one of them offered right away to throw me a baby shower. She showed me the save the dates yesterday and they are so cute…

babyshower

It really means a lot to me, especially because my best friends, who would normally throw a shower for me, live on the other side of the country so I didn’t think I’d actually have one. And since we are adopting and everything is so different from an actual pregnancy, I wasn’t sure if a shower made sense, when to do it, etc. But as soon as I told her, my new friend was all about it and starting planning right away. It’s really sweet and I’m so thankful to have met such wonderful people here in Charlottesville. And thankful that we have a network of new friends that will be there for Charlie, too.

There were many times when I wasn’t sure I’d ever have a baby, so the thought of having a baby shower is not something I ever allowed myself to think about. But now that I am having a baby–even though it isn’t happening in the usual way–I get to have a shower, too, just like any other mom-to-be. Because that’s what I am! Having a shower planned makes that feel very real. And that makes me smile.

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Living in limbo

On By alliegardnerIn Our Adoption Story8 Comments

cottageThinking you have any kind of real control over your life is an illusion, I know. But it’s almost comical the degree of uncertainty we are experiencing right now. I know that I have no control over when we will be matched and where Charlie is coming from and when he/she will get here. So I can’t even pretend to know what’s in store for us the next six months. We could have a baby in three weeks. Or we could have one in seven months. We just don’t know. Never before have I been so aware of my utter lack of control. Planning? That’s for somebody else. My life will just happen when it happens. It’s really anybody’s guess at this point.

Most of the time I am completely fine living with this uncertainty. I’m so, so thankful to be in this position, waiting to adopt. But not being able to put things on the calendar does get to me a little. We don’t have a due date yet, so pretty much everything else is up in the air, too. This includes our living situation. And this is one thing causing me to take extra deep breaths and mutter “all things in due time” to myself over and over under my breath. (Kind of like a crazy person.)

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Three Months In: 3rd monthly agency update

On By alliegardnerIn Our Adoption StoryLeave a comment

3monthsWell, it’s official–we are halfway through the average six-month wait time to be matched. We’ve been presented to birthmothers for a full three months now. The time is actually flying by and this month I wasn’t sitting around, tapping my fingers, waiting for our update like I was last month. I was actually surprised to see it in my inbox.

Here are the stats: we were presented to 11 birthmothers in December. (This number keeps going up so I guess our odds are getting better.) One or two of the women fell off the radar and three chose other couples. Six of the birthmothers we were presented to have not yet chosen adoptive families. So, I guess there’s still a possibility that one of those women will pick us. Who knows! Our caseworker says birthmothers typically pick families within 7 – 10 days but some don’t choose until much later.  Some even wait until they are about to deliver, or have delivered. Wouldn’t that be exciting!

If we were tracking our adoption timeline as if it was a pregnancy, we would officially be through the first trimester now. Without a touch of morning sickness, I might add.

We keep hoping for the call, but we have a lot going on right now and are content knowing that Charlie will find us when the time is right. I’ve been flexing my patience muscles a lot lately–good training for motherhood.

Adoption is a universal theme

On By alliegardnerIn Our Adoption Story2 Comments

Monkey adoptionBecause I feel the need for something adorable today… here’s an unlikely pair sure to melt your heart. When this tiger cub had to be separated from its biological mother due to flooding after a hurricane, this chimp became his adoptive mother and began caring for him as if he was her own. How cute are these two?

Animals adopt babies that need mothers, too, and sometimes even those of another species. This article has a few other adorable adoptive animal mothers and their “kids.” I know, I know – they’re just cute pics of animals, but it reminds me that adoption is a universal theme and not limited to mankind. When it comes to caring for an orphaned baby, love in the Animal Kingdom knows no boundaries. And that makes me smile.

All children deserve loving mothers and fathers that have the time, compassion, desire, maturity, resources, and the will to care for them. Sadly, sometimes that is not the baby or child’s biological family. But that’s where adoptive families step in. I’m excited and proud to be a future one. If only I was as cute as this chimp!

Romney Photo: Media and online bullying hurts adopted kids

On By alliegardnerIn Our Adoption Story4 Comments

romneyI try to avoid reading comments that people leave on online news articles–especially anything having to do with something as divisive as politics–because whenever I do, I become so disappointed in society. For reasons beyond my understanding, some people thrive on being mean and hateful.

So, I wasn’t exactly surprised at the horrible comments made after an MSNBC TV host asked her panel of guests to “caption” the Romney family photo shown above with Mitt Romney holding his new adopted infant grandson, who happens to be black. The TV panel guests poked fun of the photo, with one guest singing, “One of these things is not like the other. One of these things just isn’t the same.”  [Seriously? A grown adult mocking a child for being adopted? On television? What?]

As sad as that was, the online comments I saw about the photo were far worse.

I didn’t vote for Mitt Romney but who cares?! My political views don’t mean I get to mock his family or that I don’t think the photo of him holding his new grandchild, front and center, is absolutely beautiful. With a biological grandchild on one knee and his adopted grandchild on the other, Romey is saying that, in his eyes and the eyes of his family, both are equally his grandchildren. It’s a sweet photo and you can tell that baby is lucky to have been welcomed into such a seemingly warm and loving family (even if they’re wearing a bit too much plaid). He is surrounded by love.

That love is what people should have commented on. But instead, people left racist, hateful comments that were difficult to read. I can only imagine how the Romney family felt upon seeing them. It’s awful. I mean, what is wrong with people? We talk about bullying in our kids’ schools, but where do we think they learn it from?

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Out with the old, in with the new

On By alliegardnerIn Our Adoption Story3 Comments

I hope everyone has been enjoying the holidays! Can’t believe it’s almost 2014. What a year this has been. Such a transformational 365 days for me filled with personal growth and healing. I’ve been so very blessed this year with so many things–most importantly, an incredibly supportive and loving husband who has proved time and time again that marrying him was the smartest thing I’ve ever done.bowlingparty

We were fortunate to spend Christmas with family in Chicago, and had such a great time with Jamie’s sister and husband and our niece and nephew. It’s always fun spending time with them. They love to laugh and are such a tight-knit family. They’ll be such wonderful aunts, uncles and cousins for Charlie. He or she is going to be a lucky kid with all of these loving, and fun-loving, relatives ready to welcome him home.

photo-22We’re also pretty excited because we’ve started accumulating stuff for Charlie. One set of parents got us a carseat and the other set got us a bassinet (thank you all!). Two major things we need to have on hand, because we could be getting “the call” any day. We also got a surprise gift in the mail from my cousin Jennie–the cutest little kimono-style outfit for Charlie.

photo-23

Jamie and I have started picking up random things for the baby and the nursery, too. Like an adorable stuffed turtle that absolutely kills me it’s so cute. I can totally picture Charlie carrying it around, long green neck stuffed under his chubby little arm.

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The matter of black and white

On By alliegardnerIn On Race, Our Adoption Story7 Comments

Mother Care My feelings on adoption have been evolving so much. As I learn more and more, I can feel my heart open wider than it has ever been. When we first started considering adoption, I felt differently about things than I do today, just half a year later. This is true about so many issues, but today I’m writing specifically about race.

When we first started the adoption process, Jamie thought we should be open to any race so people would never have to ask if our child was adopted. He wanted it right out there, unspoken. I knew that I could certainly love a child of another race, but I also knew that having a caucasian baby would be much easier for both us and our child.

My reasoning was that it’s hard enough for a child to be adopted–I wasn’t sure we should shovel issues of race onto that pile of difficulties. If we adopted a caucasian baby, he or she would look like us, at least in regard to our skin color. I figured people wouldn’t stare at us and our adoption wouldn’t always be so obvious. So we told our caseworker that we wanted a baby of our own race. But somehow this never felt right to me. For some reason, it felt wrong to be open to adoption and only be open to adopting a baby who looked like us. I mean, adoption at its very core is about loving a child who is not related to you and who doesn’t have your eyes, your nose or your smile. Why should skin color make a difference? I had a feeling like maybe we were putting limits on the person Charlie was meant to be. It felt almost like we were not being truly open to the possibilities that an inability to conceive a biological child had opened up for us.

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Two Months In: Our 2nd monthly agency update

On By alliegardnerIn Our Adoption Story4 Comments

2-monthsIt’s been a full two months now since we’ve been actively presented to birthmothers and have been waiting for a match. Yesterday we got our second monthly update from our caseworker telling us how many birthmothers we were presented to in November and the status of those presentations.

I look forward to this email all month (even though receiving it means we haven’t yet been chosen). We’re pretty removed from this part of the process, so it’s nice to know what’s been going on behind-the-scenes.

The Update

Our profile was shown to nine birthmothers this month, one every few days in November. That’s one more than last month.  Five of them were matched with other couples, (one already had the baby!) two fell off the radar, and two have not yet chosen a couple.

The cool thing about this month was that out of the five birthmothers who were successfully matched, one actually picked us as their third choice. So if her first and second choice matches said no, we would have gotten the call! She was successfully matched with her first choice, but hey, at least we were chosen as runners-up. Although third is not first, it feels like getting chosen at all is a step in the right direction. It’s a reminder that it could happen any time. Our caseworker told me that she was surprised to hear our names come up so fast and that even a 3rd choice after only two months of waiting is good news. That made us smile.

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Enjoying life during the wait for a match

On By alliegardnerIn Our Adoption StoryLeave a comment

In the adoption info booklet we got when we became officially active with our agency, they told us that waiting for a birthmother match is a very stressful time for adoptive parents and that we should take care of ourselves and try to relax.IMG_1559 But one of the things that has surprised me about our wait so far, is the lack of stress and anxiety I’ve been feeling. Mainly, I’ve been feeling excitement and anticipation because I know there is a baby in our near future. This is much different than being consumed by trying to conceive. Now that we are well on our way to adopting, I’ve realized that we should take full advantage of this time before the baby comes to enjoy life and each other while it’s just the two of us. Because just the two of us is pretty darn special, too.

Our agency gave us a list of things to do while waiting for a birthmother match. Mainly, the list consisted of sleeping, keeping busy, sleeping some more and taking vacations. Well, we’ve been busy, gotten sleep and taken a couple great vacations to Vermont and California and will be going to Chicago for Christmas. IMG_5201But there are a lot of other things we’ve been up to that are making the wait pretty enjoyable. I’m trying to make sure we have fun doing all the things we love to do together that will get trickier, or impossible, once the baby arrives. And I’m also taking some time for myself and the things I love because I know my me time will soon be limited.

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Please, no more adoption horror stories

On By alliegardnerIn Our Adoption Story6 Comments

great loveAny time you decide to grow your family, it requires a tremendous leap of faith. When you conceive a child, you take a big risk in hopes that your pregnancy will be uncomplicated and successful and that your baby will be healthy, happy and born with ten fingers and toes. You hope the “good” genes will get passed on and the less desirable ones won’t make it into the mix. But you never know. Baby-making is a gamble. So many things can go wrong.

It’s the same with adoption. Only with adoption, in addition to worrying about the health of the baby and all that comes with that, adoptive parents have an additional concern. An adoptive parent’s leap of faith is more like a catapulted canyon vault of faith because none of it, is, ultimately, under our control. We hope our baby is happy and healthy, of course, but we also worry about the birthmother suddenly deciding our baby is not really our baby after all. Our biggest fear is that we will get attached to a baby only to have the birthmother change her mind after birth. There is always a chance that could happen, and that would surely be painful, but I try not to think about it because all I can do is trust in our journey. Living in fear of what could go wrong won’t do anything but drive me crazy.

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