Thinking you have any kind of real control over your life is an illusion, I know. But it’s almost comical the degree of uncertainty we are experiencing right now. I know that I have no control over when we will be matched and where Charlie is coming from and when he/she will get here. So I can’t even pretend to know what’s in store for us the next six months. We could have a baby in three weeks. Or we could have one in seven months. We just don’t know. Never before have I been so aware of my utter lack of control. Planning? That’s for somebody else. My life will just happen when it happens. It’s really anybody’s guess at this point.
Most of the time I am completely fine living with this uncertainty. I’m so, so thankful to be in this position, waiting to adopt. But not being able to put things on the calendar does get to me a little. We don’t have a due date yet, so pretty much everything else is up in the air, too. This includes our living situation. And this is one thing causing me to take extra deep breaths and mutter “all things in due time” to myself over and over under my breath. (Kind of like a crazy person.)
We’ve been renting a place since we moved to Charlottesville, because neither of us had ever been here before and we had no idea what part of town we wanted to live in. So we’ve been living in this cute little cottage for the past 15 months–it’s cute but the emphasis here is definitely on little. It’s cozy and charming–I call it our dollhouse–and has been great for Jamie and I, but now that we’ve started to collect baby gear, we are feeling a little claustrophobic. There’s a room for a nursery, but it’s tiny. Put-a-crib-in-it-and-it’s full-tiny. Forget the changing table, rocking chair, diaper pail and all the other things baby needs. I mean, it could definitely work for a few months with a baby but I have a feeling we’d be needing more space sooner rather than later once Charlie comes to town.
Our lease is up at the end of April so we’ve been talking about whether we should go month-to-month until we know what’s going on or if we should buy a (bigger) house. But because we have no idea when the adoption is going to happen, it’s very hard to decide if we should buy now or wait until after the baby is here. The closer we get to the average wait time to be matched and to the end of our lease, the more I’d like to be in our own home before the baby gets here. I’d love to be able to paint the nursery and all that fun stuff, knowing that we’d be staying there. But as our lives tend to go, as soon as we signed an offer we’d get the call, and I just know Charlie’s due date and the closing date on the house would be the same day. Of course, the opposite could happen and we could wait and wait and wait.
Ahhh. Living in limbo. It’s exciting here. If you can refrain from pulling out your hair.
[Deep breaths. All things in due time. All things in due time.]