Living in limbo

cottageThinking you have any kind of real control over your life is an illusion, I know. But it’s almost comical the degree of uncertainty we are experiencing right now. I know that I have no control over when we will be matched and where Charlie is coming from and when he/she will get here. So I can’t even pretend to know what’s in store for us the next six months. We could have a baby in three weeks. Or we could have one in seven months. We just don’t know. Never before have I been so aware of my utter lack of control. Planning? That’s for somebody else. My life will just happen when it happens. It’s really anybody’s guess at this point.

Most of the time I am completely fine living with this uncertainty. I’m so, so thankful to be in this position, waiting to adopt. But not being able to put things on the calendar does get to me a little. We don’t have a due date yet, so pretty much everything else is up in the air, too. This includes our living situation. And this is one thing causing me to take extra deep breaths and mutter “all things in due time” to myself over and over under my breath. (Kind of like a crazy person.)

We’ve been renting a place since we moved to Charlottesville, because neither of us had ever been here before and we had no idea what part of town we wanted to live in. So we’ve been living in this cute little cottage for the past 15 months–it’s cute but the emphasis here is definitely on little. It’s cozy and charming–I call it our dollhouse–and has been great for Jamie and I, but now that we’ve started to collect baby gear, we are feeling a little claustrophobic. There’s a room for a nursery, but it’s tiny. Put-a-crib-in-it-and-it’s full-tiny. Forget the changing table, rocking chair, diaper pail and all the other things baby needs. I mean, it could definitely work for a few months with a baby but I have a feeling we’d be needing more space sooner rather than later once Charlie comes to town.

Our lease is up at the end of April so we’ve been talking about whether we should go month-to-month until we know what’s going on or if we should buy a (bigger) house. But because we have no idea when the adoption is going to happen, it’s very hard to decide if we should buy now or wait until after the baby is here. The closer we get to the average wait time to be matched and to the end of our lease, the more I’d like to be in our own home before the baby gets here. I’d love to be able to paint the nursery and all that fun stuff, knowing that we’d be staying there. But as our lives tend to go, as soon as we signed an offer we’d get the call, and I just know Charlie’s due date and the closing date on the house would be the same day. Of course, the opposite could happen and we could wait and wait and wait.

Ahhh. Living in limbo. It’s exciting here. If you can refrain from pulling out your hair.

[Deep breaths. All things in due time. All things in due time.]

8 thoughts on “Living in limbo

  1. LOL. I know exactly what you mean, I feel like the same goes for TTC with infertility. I’ve put so many things (that really don’t even need to be) on hold since we started TTC…..the biggest one that comes to mind for me has been weight loss. Your cottage is so adorable! We had a house like that once, and I absolutely loved it….but I can imagine how tight it would be with a baby.

  2. Kate

    I agree, move now – you’ll have to move anyway, and who wants to move with a newborn? You’ll want to be settled and be able to nest. : )

  3. Jackie

    You just have to keep moving forward. If you find a house you like, move. Because, believe me, that baby is going to show up whenever he/she feels like it and not one moment before. That is just what babies do! 😉

  4. Hali

    I hear you! I recently stumbled upon your blog and can relate completely to all the ups and downs and thoughts and feelings this adoption journey brings with it…we are on our 2nd month of official “wait time” and have had very similar experiences to you guys so far. Its tricky to find a balance and not think too much about the potential baby that could come into our lives any day (or in 10 months!) and continue with our lives “as normally” as possible. I’m a person that likes some sort of control and order in my life so all this uncertainty has been a challenge and test of patience for sure!

  5. Betsy

    I’m thoroughly enjoying reading your entries. My husband and I are at the beginning of the adoption journey after years of trying to get pregnant. Plus, we have listed that we are open to any race for the exact reasons you listed in one of your posts.
    I’m commenting on this post, because you mentioned Charlottesville. If this is the town in Virginia, this is where my husband and I went for our honeymoon. We stayed at the Inn at Sugar Hollow Farm, a charming B&B.
    Anyway, I’m glad your adoption was such a blessing. We’re hopeful our blessing isn’t too far off.

    1. Thanks for your comment! Congratulations on your decision to adopt. That decision was life-changing for me — the best one I’ve ever made. I’m happy for you!! Yes, it’s the Charlottesville in Virginia. It’s a really nice place – we are loving it and it’s a great place to raise kids. We just might stay here forever! Wishing you the best of luck on the journey to your family.

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